So we were leaving CT yet again to brave the mean streets of 95-S. The weekend before we left CT, we attended a Gathering with Jason and the KRM team. It was an incredibly difficult thing for me. Here I was standing at a door, looking in and able to see clearly all that is on the other side. Imagine a great banqueting hall, and a table filled with all sorts of sumptuous foods and delicacies. Imagine all sorts of people who you know and love enjoying the banquet. And imagine seeing two empty chairs sitting forlornly alone amidst all the celebration. Those were our seats, and this was supposed to be our celebration. It was unreal to be there in the Gathering with the other interns, and to have such amazing encounters with God, and to receive such clear vision for what the Lord is building in that community and that place through the ministry… and to know that we were meant all along to be in the middle of it… and to have it all slip though our fingers like so much sand. I had prayed and contended for this place. Many long hours laboring in prayer, being formed in the same spirit and heart of that which God is building in CT, and yet it seems like I can see it all shrinking in the distance in my rearview mirror. I am unable to adequately describe this process. But we were turning around and walking away from all of it. Crazy. The second night of the Gathering, I just laid on the ground and wept, crying out to God again and again, “Lord, I don’t understand… I don’t understand…”
So as we were driving south on 95, about one hour from our town in CT, my truck broke down. Here we were trying to put this place behind us, and we were unable to get out of the state. $1,500 and one day later, we were back on the road. The trip took us two more days to get back to FL. While we were traveling south, my mom and her friend arranged an apartment for us to rent in FL. We got the electricity turned on while we drove, and we had our sights set on home. This time for real.
When we were passing through NC, Laura called me and she asked me what I was thinking about the 2011 internship. I almost couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Now, I know that the Lord had been doing many things under the surface throughout all of these events over the past season, but at times it is hard to perceive exactly what is going on while you are going through it. One of the main things that the Lord has been doing throughout all of this is to bring Laura and I up to speed with each other and with what He is doing in the earth and in KRM. So for the first four months that we were in CT last year, Laura and I were not in unity about our place and our process there. I was going to do the internship and travel all over the world, while Laura was going to be basically muscling through a year of work and paying the bills, being left behind. She was always supportive of my opportunity, but in reality she was not in the same place as me in the vision. It felt a bit one-sided, and she could not help but feel like this year would only create more separation between us in our journey toward our joint destiny. I would be getting the mentoring, and she wouldn’t be. So for the first four months in CT, it was very hard for us. Laura was making a great sacrifice just being there.
So when Laura called me in NC and asked me about the internship for 2011, I was stunned. I told her, and honestly, that I was not even thinking about that. Actually, I was so spun from my pursuit of the 2010 internship and the ensuing disappointments that I was only to ready to leave the whole state of CT behind and good riddance. It hurts to make yourself vulnerable and step out in faith only to be broken in the process. I was very much limping home to FL licking my wounds. So this call from Laura could not have been more unexpected. She was surprised when I told her all of that. I was surprised that she would be bringing it up, with all of the difficulty the internship idea created for her the first time. Then she went on to tell me that she had been thinking about how she might find the money for the first half of the year for the 2010 internship if Jason had told me my place was still open for me. When she told me that, my heart broke. Here we were, leaving the one thing behind that I had expended more of myself on than perhaps any other thing, and the one thing that I had perceived as the greatest barrier to that–my family unity–was now completely resolved. At one moment I was overwhelmed by love and appreciation for my wife, that she would take it upon herself to find a way to fund my internship without even telling me what she was thinking. And at the same moment I was struck by the realization that now there was no reason why I could not have done the internship. Surely there should not have been any remaining hindrances. The only thing now keeping me from doing the internship that I could see was just unfortunate timing. Man that was a bittersweet moment.
So without further ado, we finished our drive. It was no use pondering what might have been had things been a little different. So after a long drive, we finally rolled into our new apartment. We went in and got settled, unpacked all of our stuff from the two vehicles and the trailer, and had just stopped for a minute when Laura’s phone rang. I didn’t think anything of it, and decided to run to the store to get some things. When I got back, Laura was still on the phone. When she got off, she looked at me and told me that it had been Jason on the phone. She proceeded to tell me that he had called to ask her if she wanted her job back. Her position had just opened up again, and after praying with his staff, they came to the conclusion that Laura is the person for the job. So at the risk of seeming totally ridiculous after all that we have been through running up and down 95, he wanted to call and offer her a position with the ministry. Wow. What the heck? So there we were, in our new apartment, just unpacked, looking at each other in bewilderment… And somehow we both knew what we were going to do. Dang it, we were going back to CT. Aaahhhh! This was going to make us look completely flaky to all of the people who are the most important to us, but at some point you have to count the cost for what God has put in your heart, and forsaking the shame and your very dignity, run after it with all of your heart. So that is what we purposed to do. God bless my mom in all of this, and her friend Lisa, who had just jumped through all sorts of hoops to get us set up in this new apartment. My mom was sitting on the edge of her seat this whole time, worried that we were getting in over our heads with all of the change we were putting ourselves through. And I will always love her and appreciate how she made herself available for us without fail during this season of perpetual transition. She has been such an encouragement and support all throughout, even and especially when she could in no way begin to understand where we were in our process. God bless her, we were going back to CT.
